Sometimes I get drunk.

I started this post a few weeks ago. Today, I am sitting at my work computer for the first time in 11 weeks. While my email is doing an update, I remembered I had this draft sitting here…

It’s mid-morning and I’ve had three Nespressos. I’m walking around the kitchen sticking her paci back in her mouth for the 57th time. I have so many things to do. A tiny, tiny bit of reality slaps me…I don’t have anywhere to be. I stare at this tiny face I’ve created and see just a baby. A baby has no to-do lists. She just wants to eat and sleep {or not} and be close to me. So I pause. I drink it in like my first glass of wine in 10+ months and realize this moment is fleeting.

Sometimes these moments are so hard and I want to cry. And I do cry. She is crying. We are all crying. I remind myself I will likely never experience this phase of life again. It is over.  It is like diving into a cold ocean. A little scary and also exhilarating. It is one of the first times in my life I’ve really thought about my time here on Earth. It is so limited. There was always the next big thing…going to college, a career, getting married, having a child, and then you have another child.  Your last child. Now there is no next big thing. Just a slowing metabolism and dark circles under my eyes. I drink it in and live in the slow motion because sometimes that’s all I can muster.

And yeah, sometimes I get drunk.

I had a dose of the baby blues this go round. No doubt it was and it continues to be much harder to keep my balance. And keep my wits. Two kids feels like an army of helpless soldiers. Now it’s my first day back to work which I planned to be a Friday. I had to dip my toe in rather than jump. I’ve always hated jumping in. Luckily I am only two Nespressos deep so far and I made a special trip to get myself donuts. It is Mother’s Day weekend after all, and the best thing we can do is treat ourselves, amiright?

My battle with birth control.

Like many women, I began my relationship with birth control in my late teens. My PMS was hard core, doubled over with pain type cramps. I went to the doctor and was put on Ortho Tricyclin. Side note: unlike many of my friends, my boobs did not grow an ounce after getting on birth control. Sadz. What did happen was my PMS symptoms nearly went away and my period become nice and regular. High fives all around.


Fast forward several years and slowly the PMS starts up again. Just some minor cramps at first. Then some back pain. Headaches. No longer predictable start date.  The doc changes my birth control to Yazmin. I can’t say the Yazmin was all that much better. I change birth control again after a while…this one I can’t remember the name of.  I am having a lot of random bleeding, cramping, soreness, PMS symptoms like whoa. Super emotional, dead inside, feeling lots of feelings and feeling none. At some point I even have an ultrasound done. The doc tells me my uterine lining is post menopausal. ???? This didn’t answer any questions and she sucked. Then we moved.

e289a89b92e23a3d584209cdaa062b4bThen one day I decide birth control is making me miserable. I am going off of it. Completely.  Mike and I had been married for a few years and if I got pregnant then it wouldn’t be a bad thing even though we weren’t actually trying for a baby. So for 2.5ish years I was off birth control. It was really nice. I felt like myself again. The cramps, back pain, completely irregular periods were back, but I could handle it.

Then we actually try to get pregnant and have Sloan and all is well. My 6 week post-partum appointment has arrived and I discuss my rocky history with birth control with my doctor. She suggests the IUD. The only hormones it had were progesterone so I should have less issues. I get the Mirena IUD and look forward to little to no period.


I gave it time. Plenty of time for everything to regulate. The Mirena was the worst of any birth controls I had ever been on. Two periods a month. Heavy bleeding. Extreme mood swings. Like none I had ever experienced before, which is saying something considering I had been through pregnancy/birth/a newborn/breast feeding, etc. I felt so depressed and detached and sometimes so angry. I thought I was going crazy. Then I start reading about the Mirena and side effects and I’m like ‘get this thing out of me’. NOW. So in January I had it removed. Through tears, I discussed how I had been feeling with yet another new doctor. She said side effects were less common with the IUD, but that didn’t mean it wasn’t happening to me.  I knew 100% I didn’t want it any more so out it came.


Within a couple weeks it was like my ship had been righted. I felt normal. My only post-Mirena side effect was a few days of the heaviest bleeding. But after what seemed like two months of non-stop bleeding, it finally went away. A few weeks later I had a normal-for me-period.

One caveat is that this was my first time being on any birth control and thyroid medicine. I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism during pregnancy. My doctor said the thyroid medication can screw with things too, but I can’t do much about that since I have to be on it.

So my point is if you don’t feel like yourself, don’t feel like you are a failure and needing a lobotomy, there could be a good reason. If I could start my adult life all over again, I would be an endocrinologist. Hormones rule the world! 4f93771454952eceb25d859d2ed8aef4


I’ve wanted to blog many times over the past couple months, but felt no one was left to read it. But today I’m blogging anyway. Because I know like 6 of you will read it. To jump back into it, I’m copying Katie and answering 5 questions.

  1. At the top of your wishlist right now….The perfect swimsuit (does it exist?), all the skin care treatments available — facial, botox, fillers, peels. Skin care has become a recent obsession (post about my new routine forthcoming). article-thumb1
  2. Blog(s) you’re loving lately….My friends’ blogs The Perks and Winchester Wife. Jessica actually got me to watch The Bachelor because of her hilarious recap posts. I might be hooked which I never thought I’d ever say…ever. Other than those I literally only read a handful of others…i suwannee and despite her extreme perfection, I still love Liz of Sequins & Stripes. Pretty in Pink Megan and Cupcakes & Cashmere are long time favorites. Dog puppy with  cat in front of a laptop isolated on white background
  3. Favorite thing about spring….Longer days, getting some color on my ghostly gray skin, and flowers of course.tanning-mother-620x338
  4. The next trip you’re taking….Mike & I are attempting another vacation, hopefully this one without disaster (another post for another day), to the Florida Keys. We are staying in Islamorada but will rent a car and explore. I’m looking forward to it and hope it is nice and warm.600x600_1316019102458-beachocean
  5. TV show you can’t stop watching….Fresh Meat! On a recent girls weekend with Emily & Kelly Ann we decided to watch some Netflix. For some odd reason we chose to start this show and it is super hilarious.  I have also been watching The Family on ABC. It is a new show and it is

A land of make believe.

Today was the day I would start my transformation into Blake Lively, except that I got up and wanted pancakes. I did not make pancakes because a “30 minute meal” usually takes me two hours, and Sloan did not have the patience to wait for me to whip up a pile of carbs, even with the cheerios/blueberries breakfast decoy.

Now I’ve turned on the TV so I can write this. Yes, I let her watch TV. And sometimes I let her play on the iPad to which she has become so insanely proficient it is scary. And she eats goldfish and fruit cups. And she had formula as a baby. And still gets a bottle at night. So by today’s standards, I’m the world’s worst mom. But I look at her sweet face, and she is happy and smart and healthy and loving. So to all you moms out there killing yourself to be perfect, I’m sorry. I wish I could set you free. But you are your own warden.

In the land of make believe, I planned to start my morning before Sloan woke up, have hot water with lemon because that is supposed to do something good, get dressed in my new workout clothes and plan my day. Which would include a workout, healthy food prep, cleaning house, and organizing…something. Something always needs organizing in this house. Last night as I was driving down I-40, I was planning all this. I was planning to get home and workout after Sloan went to bed. I wasn’t going to eat anything bad. I wasn’t going to drink any drank. But I got home, got Sloan to bed, changed into pajamas, ate a piece of leftover pizza, and poured a glass of wine. I plopped in front of the TV and watched some Pretty Little Liars and New Girl. I thought to myself how I can’t keep a good plan in place for 5 minutes. I will start fresh in the morning.

In the land of reality, I woke up at 8am with Rolo laying on my head and hair. I could hear Sloan chattering in her crib, so I sit up and take my thyroid medicine…which requires me to not drink or eat anything for 30 minutes and puts a damper on each morning when all I want is to rise and drink a beautiful, glorious Nespresso. I get Sloan up and changed and downstairs. Let the dogs out and feed them. Rolo also has to have his medicine as he has been diagnosed with primary epilepsy. Le sigh. I think about pancakes and then chastise myself as this was the day Operation Blake Lively was to begin. I look around and realize my kitchen has been cleaned thanks to my mother-in-law. I silently thank her profusely. It takes a while to get breakfast completed for Sloan and myself. My kitchen is no longer clean. How does it happen so quickly? I am still in my robe and Uggs. I turn on Daniel Tiger and sit on the couch with my laptop. Rolo and Wilson have both settled in for one of many naps they will take today. It is suddenly 10am and this day that was supposed to be full of energy and accomplishment hasn’t even begun. I took the day off and Mike is out of town. Luckily the sun is out, and it is hard for me to sit around when the sun it out. I will get up soon. I will get dressed in my new workout clothes. I might even workout! There is still time. I am my own warden! I can still be Blake Lively by the end of the day…in a land of make believe.

Wish List

So basically this is a list of things I want to buy myself.

  1. Espresso cups – Since buying a Nespresso, I want to see all that beautiful crema. 3384_4_mediamain2. Teil Duncan print – I have wanted one of her beach or cow prints for a long time. I don’t know why I won’t just buy it already.ccac4d569717d512aafef5df55a2cf67
  2. Essential oil diffuser – This is kind of dumb but I want one nonetheless.
  3. Janet Hill “Miss Moon: Wise Words from a Dog Governess” – I am obsessed with her paintings and of course love the Miss Moon series with dogs, which are all compiled in a lovely story book. 9781101917930
  4. Revitalash – the eyelash extensions didn’t work for me because I can’t stop pulling on them, but I loved having longer darker lashes (who doesn’t?).
  5. I also want a puppy and a pony because I’m a 10 year old white girl.    721e1bd405aea975679b123dd401ff28       welsh-mt-palomino-mare


2015 wasn’t my favorite…except for Sloan. Watching her grow and learn and just be amazing in her first full year of life was the best. But everything else? BLEGH.

We had a lot going on with a baby and working and moving…again. Moving just takes it toll on you, and we’ve done it 4 times in 4 years. Plus renovating. I’m worn out and worn down both physically, mentally, and emotionally. And economically.

2015 was a lonely year. Even living in the town I grew up in before we moved, I felt very much a stranger.  Then we move and now I’m in a much bigger place and I don’t know how to make friends. I don’t work with other women, Sloan does not attend daycare, we don’t go to church…it can all be very isolating. Thankfully texting exists so I can keep in touch with my far away friends.

In 2016, I want to figure out how to keep all the clutter at bay. What does everyone else do with it all? Where do you keep magazines? Mail? Shoes? Toys? Dog bowls?  How do you keep your countertops clear? How do you keep clothes off the floor? If everything around me is immaculate clean, my mind feels clear and sharp. But when everything is ALWAYS scattered, cluttered, dirty, blanketed in dog hair…my mind is fuzzy and jittery. Like hot atoms bouncing around in no pattern or order about to explode.

Part of that could also be all the espressos.

So in 2016 I just want to be able to focus. Big picture or small daily task…focus on the desired result and how to get there. I have so many things going on in my head at all times that not one gets true focus and attention. This leads to so many mistakes and oversights that I just can’t deal with going forward.

How do you stay clutter free and focused? Do tell.

Thoughts on Thursday

Some days I look at the clock and it is 4pm and realize the only thing I’ve had to drink all day is two cups of coffee. No wonder my skin looks like an old newspaper.

Gap has a new jeans fit that I love (Authentic True Skinny i think is the name). Only 1% of the stretchy material and a higher mid-rise. Like almost to the belly button, so not quite a true high rise but definitely higher than normal. And if you catch them on sale you get a pretty great quality jean for less than $50. Win.

I wasted some time last night in Sephora and got some samples of BB creams to try. Bare Minerals and Smashbox. I’ll report back on how they compare to my basic tried and true Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer.

I have always loved blue and white everything, but lately the crazed saturation of it is kind of killing it for me. Does every B out there need 47 ginger jars? It has always been a part of my home growing up and I will always love it. I guess I am just annoyed by its trendiness. #problems

The new Tory Burch ‘Minnie’ travel flat is amazing. So incredibly comfy. And no flashy gold emblem either. Merry Christmas to me!

Powder Room

I have temporarily moved my office into the lounge (the navy room I posted on insta). It is a glorious space for basically anything. I am completely obsessed with a super dark painted room. But this post is about powder rooms. Or half baths. Whichever you want to call it. Powder room is more glam.

Ours is right off the kitchen and we were so #blessed to have the world’s most hideous wallpaper gracing the walls. Since the wallpaper was installed by someone with less skills than Rolo, and after the disastrous wallpaper removal incident in the kitchen, we knew we had to just cover it up.

My original inspo: this bath is just perfect.

So to cover up the wallpaper in a cost effective manner, we decided to put up beadboard floor to ceiling. And because I got really ahead of myself and bought a whole GALLON of paint for the bottom kitchen cabinets that I didn’t end up liking with the countertops, I’m using said gallon to paint the beadboard. Paint color is SW Storm Cloud, a blue gray with more blue than gray.

Since my entire house is full of blues and grays and grays and blues, I wanted to do something fun on the ceiling.


Here again, I am cheap and want to do everything myself and want a very non-permanent version of this in case I get tired of it in a month. Cutting Edge Stencil has this pattern and I am giving it a go. I am on the fence regarding the color, but I’m leaning toward orange or the same color as the vanity cabinet, which will be a glossy powder blue with marble top. So basically I’m just copying the picture. Don’t you want to hire me as your designer?

I inherited a bamboo mirror which is currently white…not sure what color I will paint it. Gold? Storm Cloud blue? Powder blue? Orange? I also purchased a cheap barn type light and I am thinking I’m going to paint it as well…same color as mirror? So many decisions still left to make. Stay tuned!

Life as I know it.

Being a mom is hard. It is hard anyway you look at it. Every mom has a different story in a different situation and a different set of hurdles to jump over every day. However, thanks to social media, many of those hurdles are left offline. We see the best of the best. I do it too. Who wants to see the stacks of dishes (dishwasher still in a box) with paint trays and dog hair and sippy cups and beer cans all in the same frame? Well, I think I do. I think we need to to stay sane. Especially those of us who are competitive and a perfectionist to the detriment of our own quality of life. That’s me. It is a heavy burden. There is so much love/hate/love to hate on the interwebs. I see Liz (Sequins and Stripes) and Rachel (Pink Peonies…is she even human?) and the countless other mom bloggers who seem to have it all together and capture all the perfect moments. And have a bottomless bank account. And are skinny AF. I hate them. Of course I know they have their own struggles and surely they fight with their perfect husbands…maybe? But at least they can fake it long enough to share a perfect image on insta. I can’t even do that! I can’t even keep the battery charged in my “real camera”.

And to all of you stay at home moms, I hate you too. I wish I didn’t but I do. Do not tell me how you are so busy and have no time. It is like a knife that turns round and round in my spleen. Does this all stem from just being jealous? Probably. What else would it be. Comparison IS the thief of joy. No doubt about it. But I’m just being honest. I think a lot of other moms feel the same way. I know stay at home moms have their own set of crazy to deal with. But leaving my sweet baby to go a job that is no longer fulfilling is torture some days. I want to take her to the library on Wednesday mornings for toddler story time. I know I know, woe is me…

One thing I love about the Internet is connecting with women who get me. Those women will read this post and say hell yes.

The guilt of not being perfect or having it all can be suffocating. Halloween is right around the corner…does Sloan have a costume? No. I’m so exhausted I really just want to call it a mulligan and try again next year. Sloan’s first birthday is the best (worst?) example. We had just moved, Mike and I were both in and out of town, so there was no party. I had plans to at least make my girl her first birthday cake and we would go outside and it would still be fun. But Mike had to leave, it fucking rained, and I didn’t have time to make the cake. So I bought a piece from Walmart. Ok so we try and make do…except my phone battery dies right in the middle of her “blowing out” her candle. Oh and by the way, she burnt her finger on said candle bc I was too busy staring into the phone than watching my one year old. I was overcome with frustration and failure and WHY?! I know in my gut it doesn’t matter but it still bothers me.

At least I’ve got my friends to commiserate with, both real and of the Internet variety…you are both invaluable. And I’ve got my fake eyelashes and that’s something.

All the emojis

That’s how I’ve felt lately. Insanely irritable, so happy that I start crying, crying for no reason, normal, crazy, rest and repeat. Mike is probably glad I’m gone this week for work…I, however, am a ball of hot mess being away from my little bird. Some days it is just harder to leave her than others. She is walking everywhere and into everything and I just imagine all the bad things because I’m not there to hover. Because I’m crazy! 

I blame a lot of it on the raging swell and lull of hormones I (every woman?) deal with. It is also hard AF being a working mom, moving and renovating (my fridge is currently in the foyer), my husband is starting his own business, I miss being 10 minutes from my mom, and I know these aren’t life altering problems but merely just life

To combat the overwhelming feel of feeling all the feelings all at once…I decided I needed some frivolous vanity by means of eyelash extensions. 

My eyes are super dark and my hair and lashes are not, so when I don’t curl my eyelashes, wear eyeliner and mascara then I look sad (see pic on the right). I really love them so far and love that I don’t have to struggle with taking eye makeup off every night. They are definitely an investment but most good things are…

Champagne, shoes, sheets…and lashes.