I started this post a few weeks ago. Today, I am sitting at my work computer for the first time in 11 weeks. While my email is doing an update, I remembered I had this draft sitting here…

It’s mid-morning and I’ve had three Nespressos. I’m walking around the kitchen sticking her paci back in her mouth for the 57th time. I have so many things to do. A tiny, tiny bit of reality slaps me…I don’t have anywhere to be. I stare at this tiny face I’ve created and see just a baby. A baby has no to-do lists. She just wants to eat and sleep {or not} and be close to me. So I pause. I drink it in like my first glass of wine in 10+ months and realize this moment is fleeting.

Sometimes these moments are so hard and I want to cry. And I do cry. She is crying. We are all crying. I remind myself I will likely never experience this phase of life again. It is over.  It is like diving into a cold ocean. A little scary and also exhilarating. It is one of the first times in my life I’ve really thought about my time here on Earth. It is so limited. There was always the next big thing…going to college, a career, getting married, having a child, and then you have another child.  Your last child. Now there is no next big thing. Just a slowing metabolism and dark circles under my eyes. I drink it in and live in the slow motion because sometimes that’s all I can muster.

And yeah, sometimes I get drunk.

I had a dose of the baby blues this go round. No doubt it was and it continues to be much harder to keep my balance. And keep my wits. Two kids feels like an army of helpless soldiers. Now it’s my first day back to work which I planned to be a Friday. I had to dip my toe in rather than jump. I’ve always hated jumping in. Luckily I am only two Nespressos deep so far and I made a special trip to get myself donuts. It is Mother’s Day weekend after all, and the best thing we can do is treat ourselves, amiright?

Some days I look at the clock and it is 4pm and realize the only thing I’ve had to drink all day is two cups of coffee. No wonder my skin looks like an old newspaper.

Gap has a new jeans fit that I love (Authentic True Skinny i think is the name). Only 1% of the stretchy material and a higher mid-rise. Like almost to the belly button, so not quite a true high rise but definitely higher than normal. And if you catch them on sale you get a pretty great quality jean for less than $50. Win.

I wasted some time last night in Sephora and got some samples of BB creams to try. Bare Minerals and Smashbox. I’ll report back on how they compare to my basic tried and true Laura Mercier tinted moisturizer.

I have always loved blue and white everything, but lately the crazed saturation of it is kind of killing it for me. Does every B out there need 47 ginger jars? It has always been a part of my home growing up and I will always love it. I guess I am just annoyed by its trendiness. #problems

The new Tory Burch ‘Minnie’ travel flat is amazing. So incredibly comfy. And no flashy gold emblem either. Merry Christmas to me!

I have temporarily moved my office into the lounge (the navy room I posted on insta). It is a glorious space for basically anything. I am completely obsessed with a super dark painted room. But this post is about powder rooms. Or half baths. Whichever you want to call it. Powder room is more glam.

Ours is right off the kitchen and we were so #blessed to have the world’s most hideous wallpaper gracing the walls. Since the wallpaper was installed by someone with less skills than Rolo, and after the disastrous wallpaper removal incident in the kitchen, we knew we had to just cover it up.

My original inspo: this bath is just perfect.

So to cover up the wallpaper in a cost effective manner, we decided to put up beadboard floor to ceiling. And because I got really ahead of myself and bought a whole GALLON of paint for the bottom kitchen cabinets that I didn’t end up liking with the countertops, I’m using said gallon to paint the beadboard. Paint color is SW Storm Cloud, a blue gray with more blue than gray.

Since my entire house is full of blues and grays and grays and blues, I wanted to do something fun on the ceiling.

Enter:

Here again, I am cheap and want to do everything myself and want a very non-permanent version of this in case I get tired of it in a month. Cutting Edge Stencil has this pattern and I am giving it a go. I am on the fence regarding the color, but I’m leaning toward orange or the same color as the vanity cabinet, which will be a glossy powder blue with marble top. So basically I’m just copying the picture. Don’t you want to hire me as your designer?

I inherited a bamboo mirror which is currently white…not sure what color I will paint it. Gold? Storm Cloud blue? Powder blue? Orange? I also purchased a cheap barn type light and I am thinking I’m going to paint it as well…same color as mirror? So many decisions still left to make. Stay tuned!

Being a mom is hard. It is hard anyway you look at it. Every mom has a different story in a different situation and a different set of hurdles to jump over every day. However, thanks to social media, many of those hurdles are left offline. We see the best of the best. I do it too. Who wants to see the stacks of dishes (dishwasher still in a box) with paint trays and dog hair and sippy cups and beer cans all in the same frame? Well, I think I do. I think we need to to stay sane. Especially those of us who are competitive and a perfectionist to the detriment of our own quality of life. That’s me. It is a heavy burden. There is so much love/hate/love to hate on the interwebs. I see Liz (Sequins and Stripes) and Rachel (Pink Peonies…is she even human?) and the countless other mom bloggers who seem to have it all together and capture all the perfect moments. And have a bottomless bank account. And are skinny AF. I hate them. Of course I know they have their own struggles and surely they fight with their perfect husbands…maybe? But at least they can fake it long enough to share a perfect image on insta. I can’t even do that! I can’t even keep the battery charged in my “real camera”.

And to all of you stay at home moms, I hate you too. I wish I didn’t but I do. Do not tell me how you are so busy and have no time. It is like a knife that turns round and round in my spleen. Does this all stem from just being jealous? Probably. What else would it be. Comparison IS the thief of joy. No doubt about it. But I’m just being honest. I think a lot of other moms feel the same way. I know stay at home moms have their own set of crazy to deal with. But leaving my sweet baby to go a job that is no longer fulfilling is torture some days. I want to take her to the library on Wednesday mornings for toddler story time. I know I know, woe is me…

One thing I love about the Internet is connecting with women who get me. Those women will read this post and say hell yes.

The guilt of not being perfect or having it all can be suffocating. Halloween is right around the corner…does Sloan have a costume? No. I’m so exhausted I really just want to call it a mulligan and try again next year. Sloan’s first birthday is the best (worst?) example. We had just moved, Mike and I were both in and out of town, so there was no party. I had plans to at least make my girl her first birthday cake and we would go outside and it would still be fun. But Mike had to leave, it fucking rained, and I didn’t have time to make the cake. So I bought a piece from Walmart. Ok so we try and make do…except my phone battery dies right in the middle of her “blowing out” her candle. Oh and by the way, she burnt her finger on said candle bc I was too busy staring into the phone than watching my one year old. I was overcome with frustration and failure and WHY?! I know in my gut it doesn’t matter but it still bothers me.

At least I’ve got my friends to commiserate with, both real and of the Internet variety…you are both invaluable. And I’ve got my fake eyelashes and that’s something.

That’s how I’ve felt lately. Insanely irritable, so happy that I start crying, crying for no reason, normal, crazy, rest and repeat. Mike is probably glad I’m gone this week for work…I, however, am a ball of hot mess being away from my little bird. Some days it is just harder to leave her than others. She is walking everywhere and into everything and I just imagine all the bad things because I’m not there to hover. Because I’m crazy! 

I blame a lot of it on the raging swell and lull of hormones I (every woman?) deal with. It is also hard AF being a working mom, moving and renovating (my fridge is currently in the foyer), my husband is starting his own business, I miss being 10 minutes from my mom, and I know these aren’t life altering problems but merely just life. 

To combat the overwhelming feel of feeling all the feelings all at once…I decided I needed some frivolous vanity by means of eyelash extensions. 

  
My eyes are super dark and my hair and lashes are not, so when I don’t curl my eyelashes, wear eyeliner and mascara then I look sad (see pic on the right). I really love them so far and love that I don’t have to struggle with taking eye makeup off every night. They are definitely an investment but most good things are…

Champagne, shoes, sheets…and lashes.