I started this post a few weeks ago. Today, I am sitting at my work computer for the first time in 11 weeks. While my email is doing an update, I remembered I had this draft sitting here…

It’s mid-morning and I’ve had three Nespressos. I’m walking around the kitchen sticking her paci back in her mouth for the 57th time. I have so many things to do. A tiny, tiny bit of reality slaps me…I don’t have anywhere to be. I stare at this tiny face I’ve created and see just a baby. A baby has no to-do lists. She just wants to eat and sleep {or not} and be close to me. So I pause. I drink it in like my first glass of wine in 10+ months and realize this moment is fleeting.

Sometimes these moments are so hard and I want to cry. And I do cry. She is crying. We are all crying. I remind myself I will likely never experience this phase of life again. It is over.  It is like diving into a cold ocean. A little scary and also exhilarating. It is one of the first times in my life I’ve really thought about my time here on Earth. It is so limited. There was always the next big thing…going to college, a career, getting married, having a child, and then you have another child.  Your last child. Now there is no next big thing. Just a slowing metabolism and dark circles under my eyes. I drink it in and live in the slow motion because sometimes that’s all I can muster.

And yeah, sometimes I get drunk.

I had a dose of the baby blues this go round. No doubt it was and it continues to be much harder to keep my balance. And keep my wits. Two kids feels like an army of helpless soldiers. Now it’s my first day back to work which I planned to be a Friday. I had to dip my toe in rather than jump. I’ve always hated jumping in. Luckily I am only two Nespressos deep so far and I made a special trip to get myself donuts. It is Mother’s Day weekend after all, and the best thing we can do is treat ourselves, amiright?